It's election season, which is my least favorite time of the year. For 3 months people will do nothing but bitch and complain about politics, the candidates argue over issues that are completely irrelevant and not important to the general public, and worstley, the celebrities start to pitch in and voice their choices. Now celebrities have a right to complain about politics and debate certain issues, but I don't think they should push their views and opinions on others using the "ho ho im a celebrity i say vote for this person and you should cause you love me ho ho ho" scheme. Now I'm on the fence on who I'm going to vote for, but lets just say today I may have made up my mind.
I had the glorious oppertunity today of doing dress code instead of security managment. Dress code is were I stand outside with the ID checker and tell people they cant come in, because they are either too drunk or dont go with the dress code. Buisness was slow as usual till I heard that two celebrities were coming into the bar to promote Obama. One of the celebrities was a former star of one of my favorite shows so I honestly thought this was a big deal. ( Sadly I did not get to meet or see him) So here i was standing outside with the ID checker and my manager. Suddenly 4 people from the obama campaign went walking by, followed by one of my servers. I looked at the server and said, "what are you doing out here?" and he replied "they walked out on their tab!" and hurried off to chase them down. So that sealed the deal, If the presidents campaign workers walk out on their tabs, then what says that their president doesnt walk out on his tabs too? So I guess I know who I'm gonna vote for now ;)
So some time passes and the celebrities leave. My ID checker had to take a piss so I was the only one outside to check ID's and enforce the dress code. I wasnt nervous at all until this happened. A group of 10 girls ran up to me, asking if Adam was still there (Adam was the celebrity). I told them that he left about a half hour ago. So up walks one of my bartenders to help promote the club, all of a sudden one of the girls yells "is that Adam? I think thats Adam" pointing to the bartender. Next thing you know I got 10 girls trying to plow me over to get to my bartender, I did my best to stop them but sadly nothing worked. I just got tossed aside like a rag doll while the girls ran at my bartender. That was the first moment I have ever felt nervous at work. Not when the sober guy threatened to kill me, not when the one asshole said he had a gun, no I was nervous because 10 drunk girls decided to rush me all at the same time.
Lastly. Drunk people smoking, almost as funny as drunk people trying to read, accept not as sad.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
coming out and dancing penises
You can learn alot about someone when they are drunk. You can find out their life story, their thoughts on politics, how important they are, how much they love you, how much they hate you, what they want to do to you because they love you so much, the list goes on. Last night however I had a drunk telling me a we bit too much about himself. The man was causing a ruckus so of course we had to kick him out. So Badass walks the drunk guy to the door when the drunk guy stopped dead in his tracks turned around, got in Badass's face, and proceeded to tell us the following information: "I've fucked so many guys! I've fucked so many guys!"(repeated about 7 times). I thought he was trying to say "I've fucked up so many guys!", then he muttered "I've rolled in more dicks than you have pussy!" and finished with "I'm from Texas!, you messing with a southern boy!". So here we have a drunk texan confessing his love for other men, which begs the question, what would his parents say if they heard him saying that? Makes me ponder.
So a word of advice to all the guys out there. If you go out clubbing and you are expecting to dance with some good looking women, please dont wear baggy pants, we do not need to see your errection. Thank you. Also to the women, please stop dancing with guys who are wearing baggy pants, you are partly to blame for the erractions. This is why I never patrol the dance floor.
So a word of advice to all the guys out there. If you go out clubbing and you are expecting to dance with some good looking women, please dont wear baggy pants, we do not need to see your errection. Thank you. Also to the women, please stop dancing with guys who are wearing baggy pants, you are partly to blame for the erractions. This is why I never patrol the dance floor.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
one week later
Well sorry for the late update, i had one hell of a crazy week. last week my buddy got into a bicycle accident, he is fine, he only had a concussion and several cuts and scrapes. So being a good friend I took over his shift at work. And boy was it an interesting night.
The One that got away.
I was outside doing ID check when I saw a cop pull up behind a guy and turn on his lights. So what does the guy do? He goes to pull into a parking garage (which was what he was doing before the cop showed up) presses the button, gate goes up he gets in. Cop pulls up to the gate, gate comes down, and the big neon sign flashes FULL. The cop kept hitting the button to get the gate open but alas it didnt work. Twas hilarous
Drunken Annoying
I had a girl walk up to the front door and I asked for her ID. She started looking through her purse but alas couldnt find it. She started freaking out then looked at me and said she'll be right back. An hour goes by. Girl comes back. Again I ask for her ID, and again she starts freaking out. At this point her high pitch whines are starting to get to me. She said she'll give me her purse, or her check book and even a kiss to let her in: No no and no. So finally our regular cop walks up to our bar. He frequently comes to check on our bar, make sure everything is in order and that no one underage is inside. So i look at the cop and said "hey he can verify your ID" knowing that the cop will hopefully be able to get rid of her. So the cop asks the girl whats wrong and the girl goes on her whining tiriad of "my roomates have my ID so they wont let me in" so the cop asks, "well how old are you?" The girl replied "twenty". Well that just sealed the deal and sure enough the cop got her to leave. How police officers have zen like patience i will never know.
Weekend's suck
Yeah Friday and Saturday sucked, we were packed and understaffed. We got out at 4am each night, thats pushing it even for me. The only interesting thing that happened over the weekend was the fact that I made a girl cry. No, not because I insulted her or acted like an ass. She was crying because I told her she was too drunk to get into the bar. Of course upon hearing that she started whimpering and tearing up. While she was whimpering i was trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.
I have to work tomarrow night even though i have loads of studying I need to get done. Oh well could be worse. Also I cannot express this enough, when you ride your bike please please please wear a helmet, if my buddy wasnt wearing his helmet when he got into the crash, well to put it bluntly he would not be here with us today.
The One that got away.
I was outside doing ID check when I saw a cop pull up behind a guy and turn on his lights. So what does the guy do? He goes to pull into a parking garage (which was what he was doing before the cop showed up) presses the button, gate goes up he gets in. Cop pulls up to the gate, gate comes down, and the big neon sign flashes FULL. The cop kept hitting the button to get the gate open but alas it didnt work. Twas hilarous
Drunken Annoying
I had a girl walk up to the front door and I asked for her ID. She started looking through her purse but alas couldnt find it. She started freaking out then looked at me and said she'll be right back. An hour goes by. Girl comes back. Again I ask for her ID, and again she starts freaking out. At this point her high pitch whines are starting to get to me. She said she'll give me her purse, or her check book and even a kiss to let her in: No no and no. So finally our regular cop walks up to our bar. He frequently comes to check on our bar, make sure everything is in order and that no one underage is inside. So i look at the cop and said "hey he can verify your ID" knowing that the cop will hopefully be able to get rid of her. So the cop asks the girl whats wrong and the girl goes on her whining tiriad of "my roomates have my ID so they wont let me in" so the cop asks, "well how old are you?" The girl replied "twenty". Well that just sealed the deal and sure enough the cop got her to leave. How police officers have zen like patience i will never know.
Weekend's suck
Yeah Friday and Saturday sucked, we were packed and understaffed. We got out at 4am each night, thats pushing it even for me. The only interesting thing that happened over the weekend was the fact that I made a girl cry. No, not because I insulted her or acted like an ass. She was crying because I told her she was too drunk to get into the bar. Of course upon hearing that she started whimpering and tearing up. While she was whimpering i was trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.
I have to work tomarrow night even though i have loads of studying I need to get done. Oh well could be worse. Also I cannot express this enough, when you ride your bike please please please wear a helmet, if my buddy wasnt wearing his helmet when he got into the crash, well to put it bluntly he would not be here with us today.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Desprite times calls for despirate measures....and sanitizer
I love having tall guys as bouncers. They have an intimidation factor that you just cant get out of anyone under 6'1, which is why I love having the Giant on my side, and last night I used this to a complete advantage.
Last night I saw a guy and a girl making out just outside of the bathrooms. Being the smart guy I am (sometimes) I decided to watch and make sure they weren't going to become indecent. Well I got distracted for a split second and looked back over towards the bathrooms and sure enough, the lovebirds were gone. So I made a guess as to were they where at and walked right into the mens bathroom. I walked up to the big handicap stall and I could hear something, but i needed to be sure, thus I summoned the Giant. I told the Giant to go into the bathroom check out the stall and report back to me. The Giant walked in and walked back out and signaled me into the bathroom. See the giant is 6'10, much taller than your average bathroom stall so the Giant has a great view of everything around him. The Giant peaked over the stall and low and behold, saw the girl on her knees, giving the guy a blow job. So we knocked on the door and told them "alright kids funs over you gotta get out" to where a man at a urinal shouted "ooooooooooooooooh snap!"
The man came out trying to put his pants back on. He had a shit eating grin but was very red in the face. The girl on the other hand, her eyes were huge and was also red in the face. We escorted them out without a problem, I was even able to throw in a "you kids have a fun night now!" when we got to the door.
At closing I made sure that the newest bouncer used extra sanitizer in the handicap stall.
Last night I saw a guy and a girl making out just outside of the bathrooms. Being the smart guy I am (sometimes) I decided to watch and make sure they weren't going to become indecent. Well I got distracted for a split second and looked back over towards the bathrooms and sure enough, the lovebirds were gone. So I made a guess as to were they where at and walked right into the mens bathroom. I walked up to the big handicap stall and I could hear something, but i needed to be sure, thus I summoned the Giant. I told the Giant to go into the bathroom check out the stall and report back to me. The Giant walked in and walked back out and signaled me into the bathroom. See the giant is 6'10, much taller than your average bathroom stall so the Giant has a great view of everything around him. The Giant peaked over the stall and low and behold, saw the girl on her knees, giving the guy a blow job. So we knocked on the door and told them "alright kids funs over you gotta get out" to where a man at a urinal shouted "ooooooooooooooooh snap!"
The man came out trying to put his pants back on. He had a shit eating grin but was very red in the face. The girl on the other hand, her eyes were huge and was also red in the face. We escorted them out without a problem, I was even able to throw in a "you kids have a fun night now!" when we got to the door.
At closing I made sure that the newest bouncer used extra sanitizer in the handicap stall.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
1st blog, 1st post 17nth month as a bouncer
Hey guys, thanks for showing interest in my blog. Now this is my first blog I have ever done so please bear with me, I'm new at this and still trying to figure all this stuff out. I would also like to take some time and say that one of my favorite blogs on the net is non other than the famous Clublife blog done by Rob the Bouncer. After reading his blog for several months now, I decided to share my experiences working as a bouncer.
Ok now to introduce myself. My name is Captain (alias of course), I'm a current college student working part time as a bouncer in a pub and dance club. I've been working at this place for about a year and 5 months now and I have to say, I have seen it all. Sure we might not be a club in LA or Detroit or New York City, instead were located someplace worse; Party Town, aka the biggest party school in the Big Ten. We get our fair share of drunks, scum, thugs, and wanna be celebrities in our establishment, so I want to say that my place can be a little more entertaining then some of the really high bars in the big cities. So through this blog I'm gonna share some of my crazy experiences that happen every single weekend. Also take note, for legal reasons I will never say actual names of the people in these stories, they will either go by a ridiculous false name or a nickname if they appear frequently in this blog.
Like everyones job, my job has its ups, downs, good nights, and bad nights. Last night was a rather good night. Several weeks ago, I was promoted to head bouncer of the club, which was awsome at first until buisness started getting a little weak. Thankfully that wasnt the case last night, we got a new dj and the club was packed. When the club is packed that means more fun for me and the rest of the bouncers. So I was policing last night when I noticed this big girl, and I mean BIG girl, was stumbling around drunk. So me and one of my other bouncers (nickname badass) decided that she had to go. So instead of walking up to her and just asking her politly to leave, we decided to make it easy and tell her boyfriend/date that she had to go, hopeing that he would get her out of there and save us the trouble of kicking out a crazy drunk girl. The guy obvoiusly was drunk and didnt understand us. So Badass and I went to go watch the girl on the dance floor hoping that her boy would grab her and get her out. Well shame on us cause that didnt happen. So this girl is leaning on the rail on the dance floor, doing the whole booty bounce thing (gross!) when she loses balance, falls and does a perfect faceplant. So at this point Badass and I finally go up to her and tell her that she's to drunk and has to go. She gets up all pissed off, starts stumbling off the dance floor when all of a sudden she slips on a spilled drink. She lands on her back and I tell you what, it looked like a damn tortise flipped onto the back of his shell. So being the responsible person I am I had to grab her but under her arms, inhale, and had to pull her up with all my might. Of course as soon as I got her back up she fell on her ass again, I'm suprised I didnt end up pulling a muscle trying to pick that girl up. Once she was up she had the nerve to run up and start bitching at my hostess, which is a huge no no in my bar. Well after I got behind the hostess and told this drunk ass off, she finally left the club. Moral of the story is, always keep the dance floor clean, because you never know when you have to lift up someone who weighs more than you.
Hope you enjoyed my first post, look forward to more as the weeks go by.
Captain
Ok now to introduce myself. My name is Captain (alias of course), I'm a current college student working part time as a bouncer in a pub and dance club. I've been working at this place for about a year and 5 months now and I have to say, I have seen it all. Sure we might not be a club in LA or Detroit or New York City, instead were located someplace worse; Party Town, aka the biggest party school in the Big Ten. We get our fair share of drunks, scum, thugs, and wanna be celebrities in our establishment, so I want to say that my place can be a little more entertaining then some of the really high bars in the big cities. So through this blog I'm gonna share some of my crazy experiences that happen every single weekend. Also take note, for legal reasons I will never say actual names of the people in these stories, they will either go by a ridiculous false name or a nickname if they appear frequently in this blog.
Like everyones job, my job has its ups, downs, good nights, and bad nights. Last night was a rather good night. Several weeks ago, I was promoted to head bouncer of the club, which was awsome at first until buisness started getting a little weak. Thankfully that wasnt the case last night, we got a new dj and the club was packed. When the club is packed that means more fun for me and the rest of the bouncers. So I was policing last night when I noticed this big girl, and I mean BIG girl, was stumbling around drunk. So me and one of my other bouncers (nickname badass) decided that she had to go. So instead of walking up to her and just asking her politly to leave, we decided to make it easy and tell her boyfriend/date that she had to go, hopeing that he would get her out of there and save us the trouble of kicking out a crazy drunk girl. The guy obvoiusly was drunk and didnt understand us. So Badass and I went to go watch the girl on the dance floor hoping that her boy would grab her and get her out. Well shame on us cause that didnt happen. So this girl is leaning on the rail on the dance floor, doing the whole booty bounce thing (gross!) when she loses balance, falls and does a perfect faceplant. So at this point Badass and I finally go up to her and tell her that she's to drunk and has to go. She gets up all pissed off, starts stumbling off the dance floor when all of a sudden she slips on a spilled drink. She lands on her back and I tell you what, it looked like a damn tortise flipped onto the back of his shell. So being the responsible person I am I had to grab her but under her arms, inhale, and had to pull her up with all my might. Of course as soon as I got her back up she fell on her ass again, I'm suprised I didnt end up pulling a muscle trying to pick that girl up. Once she was up she had the nerve to run up and start bitching at my hostess, which is a huge no no in my bar. Well after I got behind the hostess and told this drunk ass off, she finally left the club. Moral of the story is, always keep the dance floor clean, because you never know when you have to lift up someone who weighs more than you.
Hope you enjoyed my first post, look forward to more as the weeks go by.
Captain
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